Why are you still here?

I once read a self-reflective poster about birds. I couldn't find the poster, but it goes something like this (I am recalling from memory, anyway):


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"When I was young, I look out the window and saw lotsa birds just perching on the lamp posts. And I wonder to myself, birds have wings, they can go where ever they want to go, why did they choose to stay at the same place every single day? Then when I grow up, I started to ask myself the same question"

A lot of us get stuck with everyday's rut and sometimes we do not let ourselves reflect on what we really need in contrast to what we think we want. We ignore that voice within us that says otherwise. Sometimes, our conscious brain think that it is in control and could definitely silence the smaller voice inside of us. But there are soo many cases where the harder you hit the ball, the higher it will bounce. Instead of silencing the voice, it is like we gave it an amplifier and out of the blue, it wails like a needy baby in the middle of the night.

For example, a simple career decision. I guess I grew up in a community that pressured me to find a career that promises a steady and stable income, regardless whether my heart was in it or not. What I wanted to study, what I wanted to do was sacrificed for what they deemed is a future for me. I think I could hardly blamed them, as they just wanted the best for me. In a world full of kiasu people, I was and still is a very kiasi person. :P

But fast forward to present year, suddenly I could not take it anymore. I feel like a fat and balding guy who is faced with midlife crisis. I couldn't bear the thought of continuing what I am doing. I wake up, feeling fed up and sick instead of excited and motivated.

I tried to talk to other people and see whether they faced with such issue. PhD is not easy, it was never meant to be. But the reason why most people could continue, standing up after each fall and hurdle was in the name of passion. Then I began to question myself, did I lost my passion?

I tried to reflect where or how I lost my passion. It was then I realize I never had it before. (This thought really scared me. How to create what was never there before?) I liked the idea of phD, I like the idea of what I am doing, but in essence I did not like it and hence could not enjoy it. Each setback, each challenge seems more like a confirmation of my resentment instead of an affirmation of an interesting journey.

And with each waking moment I hated it, I felt bad feeling the way I feel. So I was extra hardworking to compensate for what I lack in enthusiasm. In this way, I keep pushing myself back into this abyss and I couldn't seem to tear myself away from it. Why?

I have alternative plans, something to fall back to if I just quit, but I just couldn't. It was then I remembered the bird perching on lamp post analogy. Why? I couldn't answer myself as well. Perhaps when I finally could, I could spread out my wings and fly.

I have heard countless people complaining about their job (O gosh, who doesn't??) But not just everyday complaining, just genuinely sick and tired of where they are. And it was obvious they had other plans in the first place, other hopes and dreams and yet they are stuck in a totally different direction. If today, you faced the same feeling, you are depressed and just o-so-sick with what you are doing, I hope you can reflect with me the analogy of the birds perching on the lamp post. Maybe today is not the day I spread my wings and fly, but perhaps it is for you.

XOXO, till next time~!